Are You the Clown in the Dating Circus? - Fakes, Flakes, & Friends: A Modern Dating Survival Guide (Part 3)

Are You the Clown in the Dating Circus? - Fakes, Flakes, & Friends: A Modern Dating Survival Guide (Part 3)

You’ve walked past the sideshows. You’ve spotted your headliner. You’ve gotten clear on what you want. But before you go any further, it’s time to step into the mirror tent and check for red noses and oversized shoes.

Because if you keep finding yourself in the same exhausting loops, it might be time to ask: Are you the clown? Are you self-sabotaging, chasing fantasies, burning yourself out, or trying to win love by being everything for everyone? This part of the journey is about accountability—not shame. It’s about realizing that if you're the one tripping over your comically large clown shoes, you also have the power to take them off.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: You can be doing everything “right,” but if your approach to dating is misaligned, exhausted, or subconsciously self-sabotaging, it will still fall apart. And it won’t be because you’re unlucky in love—it’ll be because you’re not ready in love.

This part is about catching the subtle, sneaky ways you might be wrecking your own chances, all while thinking you’re doing your best.

Missed the earlier acts? Catch up here:
🎟️ Part 1 – Avoiding the Wrong People With Precision & Grace
🎯 Part 2 – Getting Laser Focused on What You Do Want


Are You Sabotaging Without Realizing It?

Let’s start with a few real talk questions:

  • Are your standards rooted in fantasy instead of reality?

  • Do you constantly date people you want to “fix”?

  • Are you dating to be chosen instead of choosing?

  • Have you stayed in the game longer than you should have because you’re afraid of missing out?

  • Do you secretly believe you have to earn love by being perfect?

  • Are you simply not valuing quality matches when presented?

  • Are you hoping for vanilla romance but really want something wilder?

If you said yes to any of these, you’re not alone. But it’s time to pause, recalibrate, and maybe step out of the ring.


The Most Common Forms of Dating Self-Sabotage

1. Setting Standards That No One Can Meet

You want someone who is emotionally intelligent, wildly hot, perfectly secure, financially stable, sexually adventurous, deeply spiritual, hilarious, and also obsessed with you on sight. Sound familiar? What about phrases like: "bare minimum," "as he/she should," "I deserve," or "they're a nice person but...?"

What’s really going on: You might be protecting yourself from disappointment by making everyone a mismatch. You might also simply not know what to value in a partner. You might also simply be to materialistic for love. 

Try this instead: Focus on values and effort. Let go of fantasy checklists and tune in to how someone makes you feel consistently.


2. People-Pleasing Into Resentment

You present the shiniest version of yourself. You say yes to things you don’t want. You mirror their desires before you even check in with your own. You are everything that a guy or girl could want except yourself.

What’s really going on: You’re trying to secure love through performance instead of authenticity. It's really that simple. 

Try this instead: Let someone fall for your real self, not your curated one. It’s okay if that scares you; it's not bravery if you're never scared, it's arrogance. If you don't know the real you, maybe take a break and get in touch. 


3. Dating Projects, Not People

They’re emotionally unavailable? You’ll teach them. They’ve never had a healthy relationship? You’ll be the first. You date potential instead of presence.

What’s really going on: You might be trying to prove your worth by being indispensable. You might like the power of being better than your partner. You might also be letting despation get the better of you. 

Try this instead: Stop volunteering for unpaid emotional labor. Healthy love does not require a rescue mission.


4. Burnout from Never Taking a Break

You swipe even when you’re exhausted. You go on dates when your heart isn’t in it. You keep trying because stopping feels like failure or because you have nothing better to do. 

What’s really going on: You may fear stillness. You may fear missing your chance. You need a better hobby. 

Try this instead: Give yourself permission to pause. You are allowed to rest without abandoning the dream. Go take some time to find something fun to do. Bringing joy into your life will attract people. 


5. Mindset Behavior Mismatch

You say you want a relationship—but you act like someone auditioning for validation. Or you say you’re ready—but deep down, you’re still grieving.

What’s really going on: Your actions and intentions are out of sync.

Try this instead: Rather just saying what you want, look at what you're doing. It's ok to say "I want a relationship but honestly, I'm just playing the game." Avoid ruining your chance with people by treating them poorly. Be honest and upfront with your intentions. 


6. Letting Good Options Pass You By

They’re kind, consistent, attracted to you, and emotionally available. But you say “there’s no spark,” or they feel “too easy,” or maybe they just don’t match your chaos kink. So you let them go—or worse, breadcrumb them while you chase someone else.

What’s really going on: You might be so used to dysfunction that peace feels boring. Or maybe part of you still believes love should hurt to feel real.

Try this instead: Give safe, available people a real shot. Learn how to recognize a slow burn. Spark is not always the signal of sustainability.


7. Wanting Vanilla but Craving the Freakshow

You say you're looking for a stable, sweet, romantic partner to cuddle and build a life with. But deep down, you're daydreaming about someone who can throw you against a wall, co-create your most unhinged fantasies, and take you on a wild ride of emotional and sexual adventure.

What’s really going on: You might be playing it safe, hoping the universe will drop a kinky soulmate into your lap without you ever having to admit what you actually want.

Try this instead: Get honest with yourself. You can’t build a spicy, offbeat, or wildly fulfilling relationship by pretending you want a Hallmark movie. Say it. Own it. Name the weird. Part 4 will help you figure out how.


Final Thought: Step Out So You Can Step Back In With Power

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is step away. Not in retreat, but in restoration. Because when you date from a place of alignment—not avoidance—everything shifts.

This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present with yourself before asking someone else to join you. To stop clowning, you have to start grounding.

The dating circus will still be there. But you? You’re going to re-enter with clarity, with boundaries, and with the confidence to choose a real connection over another exhausting performance.

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