Modern online dating is a circus. Not in the fun, cotton-candy-and-dancing-elephants kind of way. More like a chaotic sideshow: a rotating stage of clowns, illusionists, fire-eaters, and tightrope walkers with unresolved trauma. Not in the fun, cotton-candy-and-dancing-elephants kind of way. More like a chaotic sideshow: a rotating stage of clowns, illusionists, fire-eaters, and tightrope walkers with unresolved trauma. You show up with a ticket for romance, and instead find yourself dodging juggling acts of inconsistency, inflated egos, and emotional unavailability disguised as charisma.

You log in with your heart slightly cracked open, a good selfie, and the hope that maybe—just maybe—someone normal is out there. Instead, you're greeted by a parade of lovable messes, walking red flags, and people who need a therapist more than a Tinder match.

This guide isn’t meant to make you jaded—but it is meant to help you walk past the tents marked “DO NOT ENTER.” Because it’s not that you’re asking for too much. It’s that you’re not identifying the carnival tricks fast enough.

Let’s break down the performers, how to spot their acts, and how to save your time, dignity, and data plan.

Read more: The Art of Saying No: Dignity, Discernment, and Protecting Your Peace

 

1. The Warm-Then-Cold Chameleon

They’re sweet. Attentive. Their opening line might even reference something clever from your profile. They say things like, “I’ve been looking for someone just like you.” But the moment you show interest—real, honest interest—they shrink like a vampire hit with sunlight.

How to identify:

• They initiate affection but withdraw when you reciprocate.

• They go from “good morning” texts to sudden silence.

• You feel like you did something wrong, but you didn’t.

How to avoid:
Set a personal rule: affection without consistency = no investment. Keep your dignity and don’t go hunting for reasons—accept the pattern and move on. I once dated a guy for 15 days. Date one, warm. Date two, warm. Date three, I leaned in more, he told me I was asking to much to for him to spend the night. This was to save me 3 hours of driving to go get him. Clearly he didn't like me that much. 

2. The Endless Pen Pal

They love chatting. They could talk forever. But will they ever meet up? No. No, they will not. This person treats dating apps like AOL Instant Messenger circa 2002. They’re lonely, maybe bored, maybe avoidant—but they’re not ready to get off their couch and meet you IRL.

How to identify:

• Vague about availability.

• Ghosts when you suggest meeting.

• You’ve shared Spotify links, childhood trauma, and favorite snacks—but still haven’t exchanged phone numbers.

How to avoid:
Give the conversation a purpose. “Hey, I’d love to meet soon. If you’re not ready for that, no worries—but I’m looking for something real.” Their response (or lack thereof) will tell you everything. Online dating allows people to chat through their first date before ever investing anything. The longer you chat the less likely you are to actually meet. If you can't fit a date in within 72 hrs, you're not that interested. 

3. The Interview-Then-Ghost Specialist

This person acts like they’re trying to fast-track a relationship. They’re asking about your values, your future kids, your take on capitalism—and then poof. They’re gone. You were the mirror they needed for their latest self-reflection binge.

How to identify:

• Hyper-curious at first.

• Emotional whiplash—one day you’re future-talking, the next you’re blocked.

• You start asking, “Was that real?”

How to avoid:
Don’t overshare early. Let connection unfold at a human—not hyper-speed—pace. If someone’s going too fast, they’re either unhinged or unready. I recently dated a guy who, after two hours of chatting, I wrapped it up with plans for a date the next day. He texts me early the last morning saying "after how our conversation last night ended, I don't feel comfortable having you in my home." I did try to manuever around it. But I knew the night before he would do something to prevent us meeting. Cold feet are a helluva thing. 

4. The “Accidental Tour Guide”

They don’t know what they want. Not because they’re mysterious, but because they’re emotionally indecisive. They’ll say “I’m open to seeing what happens,” but what happens is usually nothing.

How to identify:

• They keep conversations casual forever.

• When you ask what they’re looking for, they say “good vibes” or “just go with the flow.”

• You feel like you’re at the mercy of their indecision.

How to avoid:
Ask direct, complete questions. If they annoy or confuse you, trust that feeling. 

5. The High-Anxiety Hoverer

They mean well. They really do. But they’re emotionally frayed and fearful. Every delayed response triggers a crisis. Every compliment hides a fear of rejection. You feel more like a reassurance vending machine than a potential partner.

How to identify:

• They apologize after every text.

• They get upset if you take longer than an hour to reply.

• They say, “I know I’m a lot…” and they mean it.

How to avoid:
You’re not a lifeboat. Wish them peace, not proximity. Let them heal without pulling you into their anxiety loop. I once went on a date with a guy who I immediately could tell was not gonna work out. The energy was manic and made my brow furrow so hard I nearly got a headache. Middway through the date he told me he was a sex and porn addict and only likes BBC - yes he actually said it in real life. I ended the date and we went our separate ways. I blocked him on everything immediately after. 

6. The Clingy Avoidant (Push-Puller)

This person wants closeness—until they get it. Then they freak out, disappear, and come back acting like nothing happened. You end up chasing the version of them that only exists when they’re chasing you.

How to identify:

• Love bombs, then retreats.

• Keeps “accidentally” disappearing.

• The affection feels like a trapdoor.

How to avoid:
Here's the truth, they only want you when they're horny, eiehter for sex or closeness. These people are vampires. Have dignity to cut if off without looking for explanatiuon. Your absence with either, make them act right, not impact them at all, or make them try to reel you back in. Don't respond to any of it. 

Read more: The Rebellion of Patience: Holding Out for What You Actually Want

7. The Emo-Bot

They know all the right phrases. They’ve read Attached, they know about inner child work, they might even be in therapy. But when it’s time for real connection, they intellectualize instead of feel.

How to identify:

• Talks like a therapist, listens like a wall.

• Avoids vulnerability by over-explaining emotions.

• They’ve processed their past—just not lived through it.

How to avoid:
Ask them what they’ve done differently in their last relationship because of all this “growth.” If they can’t give specifics, it’s theory—not transformation. But truthfully, you won't know until you see it. Once you see it, dip. 

8. The Validation Tourist

They don’t want a relationship. They want attention. Compliments. Matches. A hit of dopamine before bed. They’re here for the high—not the connection.

How to identify:

• Flirts with no follow-through.

• Responds inconsistently, only when they’re bored.

• Shares thirst traps, not intentions.

How to avoid:
Don’t waste your time on someone who’s just collecting hearts like coins in a video game. Swipe left on superficial profiles or energy that feels performative. If you are at all successful, humility will take you far. Folks should like you for you not your social status, unless that's the dating world you run in. Then you'd want to only match with people of your ilk for duty. 

9. The Trauma Looping Oracle

They’re not bad people—they’re just in the middle of their healing arc. Unfortunately, you’ve been cast as the emotional support human in a story you didn’t ask to be part of.

How to identify:

• Trauma dumping on day one.

• Constantly references their ex or past pain.

• Asks you to be understanding of behaviors that hurt.

How to avoid:
You can empathize without enmeshing. A simple “You sound like you’ve been through a lot. Are you in a place to date right now?” will usually reveal the truth. But honestly, if you have to ask, the answer is no. 

10. The Emotional Escape Room

You’re trying to connect, but everything feels like a puzzle. They’re evasive, vague, and slippery. You keep thinking if you just say the right thing, they’ll finally open up.

How to identify:

• Answers questions with more questions.

• Plans fall through last minute.

• Emotional intimacy is replaced with cleverness or avoidance.

How to avoid:
Stop trying to decode them. If connection feels like a riddle, walk away. Love isn’t supposed to be a brain teaser. This person is like Tyler the Creator when dating Jerod Charmichael - aloof, comedic, totoally unserious. He will embarrass you on national TV and not care. 

You deserve more than people who make you feel like a burden for needing clarity.

Dating apps aren’t full of bad people. But they are full of unready people. Your job isn’t to rescue them. It’s to recognize them early, love yourself louder, and protect your energy like it’s the last lube in the house during a horny pandemic.

Up Next in Part 2:

We’re done dodging the mess—now it’s time to focus in on what you actually want. What real connection feels like. The right one won’t make you question your gut or schedule. They’ll feel like alignment, not confusion.

Spoiler alert:
They’ll laugh at your jokes, show up when they say they will, and make your life easier—not harder.

Read Part 2  - Spotting your Main Act!