Did you know that, on average, according to research, foreplay lasts about 60% longer than intercourse? Foreplay lasts about 11 minutes, whereas intercourse lasts about 7 minutes. Even oral sex lasts longer, at about nine and a half minutes. Isn't that interesting? My question is, if foreplay lasts longer than the main act, why are we calling intercourse the main act? Maybe penetration is not the main event. Maybe everything that we're doing is sex, and the truth is we just need to learn how to appreciate it more.

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What Do We Actually Mean by Foreplay?

Foreplay is the kissing, touching, rubbing, grinding, all of that stuff that we do, quote, “before the start.” It can include oral sex, hand stimulation, watching pornography, toys, massage, and nipple play. But we can expand that even more.

What does the Kama Sutra say about the types of things we would consider foreplay? That gets into biting, scratching, and spanking. If you're kinky, that's probably going to feel as natural as the kissing and cuddling kind of foreplay.

I should also mention that what we would classify as foreplay, the Kama Sutra doesn't necessarily separate out that way. For the most part, you just have this list of wonderful things you can do with your lover. Different positions, yes, because the conversation is more than just positions. But also kissing, touching, rubbing, slapping, biting, scratching, all that sort of stuff.

We call all of this foreplay because we've been taught that it's merely preparation for penetration, as if all the fun stuff doesn't count without actual penetration. But the truth is, many people enjoy these activities more than penetration.

What's the Problem With Treating Penetration as the Goal?

But who cares if we treat penetration as the goal? What's the problem?

Once penetration becomes the goal, oftentimes sex can just become a checklist. Do this, do this, do that, get to the penetration, bust a nut, get out.

Doesn't that seem sort of formulaic? Kind of boring? Instead of just enjoying what you're doing, you're constantly moving on to the next thing.

Plus, you're not actually getting all the sex that you want when you do it that way.

According to “Actual and Desired Duration of Foreplay and Intercourse: Discordance and Misperceptions Within Heterosexual Couples,” by S. Andrea Miller and E. Sandra Byers at the University of New Brunswick, both men and women would like a lot more foreplay.

In fact, we're doing about 11 minutes. We'd like about 18. That's quite a lot more.

For a lot of people, rushing through this is probably making sex feel rushed and simply not fun. Predictable. Strangely mechanical. And the word that keeps coming up again: boring.

Physically Capable Doesn't Mean Fully Aroused

One important distinction we have to make here is that just because you're physically capable doesn't mean you're fully aroused.

A penis being fully erect does not mean that it's actually ready to penetrate. A vagina being slightly moist, or even fully wet, does not mean that it's ready for penetration.

Sure, if you're in a bit of a rush, sometimes you can use some lubricant. And there's nothing wrong with using lubricant if you need it. But oftentimes, we're kind of rushing past the natural point of foreplay. The arousal part. The “let's get these juices flowing” part.

The truth is, bodies, both male and female, often need persistent, sustained stimulation in order to actually get where they're going. Even just arousal.

This brings us back to the vaginal dryness episode. Sometimes vaginal dryness needs lubricant. Sometimes it needs foreplay. Sometimes it needs a mixture of both.

But unless you actually give it that sustained, precise, and purposeful stimulation, you're not really going to know one way or the other.

Get Off the Sexual Assembly Line

Other than complaining, which is always fun, what do we actually do about this?

The first thing you need to do is get off the sexual assembly line. Don't just go for the touch, kiss, oral, penetration, orgasm, roll over.

Treat all of these as individual parts of the sex you want to take part in. You can go backwards and forwards through them. Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey. You can treat it like a Time Lord.

Go wherever you need to go in all of space and time, within the body, within your bedroom, or wherever you're having sex.

None of these activities become any less important, any less desirable, or any less satisfying if there's no penis, strap-on, or anything else penetrating something.

Don't Be Afraid to Go Back and Forth

One thing I find people to be uncomfortable with is going back and forth between penetration and oral.

Open your horizons, friends. Don't be afraid to go back and forth, while being aware of the risks you're taking.

I don't always recommend that with anal sex, however.

And I also want to take a second to talk about one part we don't talk about enough when it comes to enjoying sex longer: taking a break.

Don't be afraid to have oral for a little bit, kiss for a little bit, touch for a little bit, then lay. Just lay and wait. Let the minutes pass. Let the arousal go down a little bit, then go back to it. Let it jump back up.

Play around. Treat the bedroom like your playground. That's the ultimate lesson you should take from this.

Why Isn't Foreplay the Main Course?

That brings me back to the original question: why do we call it foreplay and not the main event? Why is foreplay not the main course? Why is oral sex not the main course?

I think it's just a matter of perspective.

Kissing is sex. Oral sex is sex. Hand jobs are sex. Voyeurism is sex. It's all sex.

When you start to think about it that way, you start to realize that the kind of sex you're having can be a lot more versatile and vibrant. Penetration does not have to solely consume your mind.

And yes, of course, penetration is also sex. If you want to have penetration, that's also fine.

What we're talking about here is opening your mind and making sure you're getting the most out of all the sex you want. If you want to be having more foreplay, let's have more foreplay.

The truth is, not only do you want more foreplay, but according to the research, you also want more intercourse. That's for another post. Lots of teasing.

Go have some foreplay. Go have some oral. Go play around in a wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey way.

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Go play. Enjoy each other. Keep it sexy.