Mastering the art of fellatio, blow jobs, knob polishing, playing his trumpet, sucking dick & cock, tonsil pool, phallic throat massages or whatever you call it, is not an easy task. When you’re willing to sit down and learn things like this, you’re letting your partner know that you give a damn, which is sexy as fuck.

Men might not say this directly because it’s awkward or they fear starting a fight, but trust me, they notice when their pleasure isn’t a priority. It can build a silent resentment that leads to coldness and a lack of reciprocity in the relationship. It’s also just flat-out annoying. Being here, means you’re making a decision to put him first in a world that never will.

Oh, that was.

Fact 1: 

Blow jobs matter more than you might realize.

FACT 2: 

Or maybe you do since 85% of all adults will get and/or give one knob polish in their lifetime. 

Fact 3:

Americans give 5-star head… err they give & receive oral sex 5x per month. *You’re doing amazing sweetie!* That’s the highest rate in the world.

• UK & Australia engage 4-5x per month
• Germany & Brazil engage 3-4 x per month
• Japan engages 2-3x per month
• India engages 1-2x per month

Fact 8:

And despite what you might think, the rates are roughly even across gender and sexuality.

Except, lesbians, sapphic sisters. What are we doing? I don’t mean that in a judgmental way, but as a curious sex researcher. My hypothesis is that pillow

princesses might be the default in the WLW community. But that could be confirmation bias. When we get to the cunnilingus series, I will have an answer for this. But if you have thoughts, leave a comment below!

*Tangent* I had to add WLW to my spell check dictionary, which is awesome that 20 years in I’m still training this mofo. But that also means you might not know that means women loving women, the lesbianicas. I also had to add lesbianicas because I just made it up. Tangent End

Fact 9:

On average oral sex lasts 8-11 mins. 

Much longer than the 3 to 7 minutes for intercourse. Seems like people enjoy oral sex more.

Fact 10:

Even the elders are putting their genitals where their mouth is. 37% of folks 57-85 slobbed on knobs or munched rug in the last year. Good for you! Pleasure knows no age. I hope I’m healthy enough to still be participating until I’m 6ft under.

If you thought we were gonna stop at 10. You don’t know me very well. You should know I love blow jobs far too much to stop here!

Speaking of elders, our elder’s elders aka our ancestors, was some real freaks too.

Fact 11:

We’ve found blowies depicted on 1200 year old Peruvian sculpture

Fact 12: 

and Egyptian pre-historic art.

And while not as ancient as those two, who would I be if I didn’t recognize one of the most scandalous series sword swallowings of them all former president Bill Clinton and his then intern Monica Lewinski. 

Fact 13:

But he did receive fellatio from that woman and smoke a cigar he slid in her vagina. Her name is Monica Lewinski. And her frankly, she sounds like a gem of a woman who should be protected at all costs. 

Fact 14:

Believe it or not that entire hulabaloo, which here is a very funny choice of word to mean impeachment and congressional hearings, started because of just 10 total blow jobs. The man who smoked weed but didn’t inhale and would be jetting off to Epstein Island on Lolita Express lied about getting his balls drained 10 times by a legal adult. Remember this is a FACTS video. So I spent time fact checking these things all the way back to their sources. He ruined his legacy with one lie about 10 blow jobs over 2 years!
Clinton would later say her did it as a way to “relieve pressures of the job,” which is another lie, in my opinion. 

Fact 15:

Which is why you should always be open and honest about your sexual needs and desires, especially when the cameras are on. 
How it should have gone. I did not have sexual relations with Ms Lewinski, but she was kind enough to slide her tongue over my balls, shaft, and perineum on 10 different occasions. She also nibbled my gooch a few times there but honestly, it was so good I can’t remember. Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly had a taste of the sweet young thing on more than a few occasions. I am a red-blooded American man, after all. I say all that to say, she’s looking for a job. Hire her immediately, pay her handsomely and treat her kindly. She’ll make your dreams come true. If you have a Monica of yours of home, give her your best for me. You gotta love em.

If you own the fact that you got your dick sucked by your intern, people will judge, your wife, oh she’ll be pissed, but you know what, you won’t get impeached for perjury and obstruction.