Secrets to self care of yourself when you feel like trash

Secrets to self care of yourself when you feel like trash

Let The Butters help you keep your temple in order, even when its inhabitant is asleep at the wheel.

Life is chaotic and shit happens - like social implosions, moving, this decade long panda bear lockdown, and normal everyday shit. One super common consequence of chaos is a downturn in personal hygiene, and I know this struggle incredibly well. During college, thanks to then undiagnosed mental illness, I wouldn’t eat, bathe, brush my teeth, or change my clothes for several days. I also wasn’t sleeping, so I clearly had other, more pressing concerns.

I share this incredibly relatable fact because here at The Butters, I make products knowing this happens. All of my creations are modern spells for wellness, infused with good intention, practical expertise, and a touch of luxury to ensure a comforting, pampered sensation, even when you feel like Trubbish. More importantly, The Butters offers fast results for a rebound and durable health to make sure to look great long into your suffering - heads are fun, eh.

Throwback to my 2019 Messy bitch CEO realness 10s.

The Butters 13 secrets to hygiene when you’re in a funk:

  1. Use Zit Zapper Moisturizer in every crevice to refresh and moisturize. It’s antimicrobial.

  2. Anti-Aging Face Oil works for your beard and doesn’t require a clean face to be effective. In fact, it’s an excellent oil cleanser. This is a powerful concoction – it’ll soothe itching and fungal infections anywhere externally. I don’t have any guidelines for severity limits, but expect a sting in those situations. Any pain more than an alcohol/lemon juice-to-fresh-cut experience is abnormal. Also, it shouldn’t last more than a few moments – use your own judgement. #notadoctor

  3. Zit Zapper Mask can be used on open sores. I sometimes get inflamed pores under my belly – bodies are gross. When they pop, ZZ Mask helps it dry out and clear up much quicker. This is off-label, and again, #notadoctor

  4. Keep your hair healthy by applying Liquid Gold or Anti-Itch Scalp Oil to your scalp. If you’re already using Anti-Aging Face Oil, you also can apply that to the scalp.

  5. Eat, bitch. Don’t eat stuff you know will make you feel like crap. Ask for no salt, sugar free/diet options when available. They won’t always be but cutting back on those two will improve your mood.

  6. Say no to extra responsibilities.

  7. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

  8. Engage in vices mindfully – this can mean mindful avoidance, if that’s what’s best for you.

  9. Remember, showers feel amazing, even when you don’t want to do them. Plus, long dramatic showers can be fun. Shower concerts are always the move.

  10. Don’t judge your worth by your productivity. Take the time you need, but be honest when you just don’t want to get up and get back to life. That’s real and valid. Capitalism isn’t a motivator for most of us. Just ask all the bags I didn’t chase cause I didn’t wanna.

  11. Therapy, support groups, social groups, and empathetic friends exist for a reason. Since we’re still in the pancetta, there’s lots of online options. You don’t even have to get out of bed.

  12. Don’t forget hygiene of the mind. Mindfulness will make you feel better and make it easier for you to try to take care of yourself.

  13. Taking even one of these steps will be incredibly helpful.


I would like you to know:

On top of my knowledge base in hygienics, I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology focused on human sexuality, anatomy, and biology from Eastern Michigan University. I also have a certificate in baking and patisserie from the now-defunct Le Cordon Bleu Scottsdale. I’ve been a sex educator online for 11 years @ Take all of my advice with this knowledge and make smart decisions that are right for you. Neither me nor The Butters are responsible for any mishaps. #notadoctor, just a guy who is a connoisseur of living well.


The FDA would like me to tell you:

+ All products are for external use only, unless otherwise noted.

+ All products are preserved in some way. Adding anything, heating, or sticking dirty fingers in the products may contaminate or compromise their preservation.

+ Natural does not mean healthy and perfect for you; lead and uranium are 100 percent natural and vegan. Always use caution when exposing yourself to new materials. If you have questions or concerns, drop us a line at

+ We don’t make medicine, but sometimes we use FDA-approved drugs. Drug facts are included with those products. All claims are made with the best available information, updated with the latest science. Once we’re bigger, we’ll be funding science of our own. Until then, we’ll have to rely on a few centuries of folk knowledge to round out our modern knowledge.

+ No “cosmetics” company is required to submit recipes to the FDA. Our facility (apartment) isn’t inspected, but it is managed to ServSafe standards.


Unless noted:

+ Made at home with love and expertise by The Butters Hygienics Co. in Ypsilanti, MI.

Call or Text 734-221-0250

+ External use only. We use some food items and they look delicious (they’re usually even safe to taste), but it’s not food, and not meant to be eaten.

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