How to Teach Your Partner to Be a Better Lover Without Hurting Their Confidence: A Guide for Older Couples

>I've (60F) been dating a man (69) for a few months. I adore him and we have fun with his main kink rope bondage. He's fun and smart and very worth dating. His challenge is that he's divorced after decades of marriage in a very repressive religious environment. She was his first and only lover and between that and the religious shame surrounding sex, he never really learned how to be a good lover. I'm wondering if I could teach him (assuming he's willing to learn of course, which I will discuss with him).

>He does turn me on, to begin with, both because of great physical chemistry and also because I find his kink to be very hot. Some examples of the issues I've noticed: he doesn't seem to know how to hold his weight on his arms when on top so he smashes the breath out of me; while his passion is fantastic, he forgets himself and grinds kisses into me which can hurt; he's shy about asking for what he wants or discussing what I would like in bed; he's internalized the idea that oral sex is gross; etc. I wonder if I can address these and teach him better WITHOUT adding to his existing sense of shame and self consciousness.

>Have any older folks attempted this and succeeded? If you're an older man in his shoes, how should I approach you with this so that it doesn't kill your already fragile self esteem (the complex combination of body shame and manliness/masculinity, not to mention age-related ED)?

>Edited to add: I appreciate the feedback so far, and I'll try to utilize it. One thing I forgot to mention, which is what makes me feel delicate about this is that because of his religious background/shame, he also feels uncomfortable talking about sex, asking for what he wants, asking what I want, etc. So I worry that pushing him too fast by directly and kindly asking for what I want/like will have the opposite effect from what I want. I have a few times asked him what turns him on and what kind of porn he likes to get an idea of what turns him on, and he kind of shuts down verbally. He's not used to a woman being direct and open like that.

My Response:

There’s no such thing as a universally ‘good lover’—only one that's good for you. It's clear that you care deeply about your connection, which is fantastic. Your openness is a great asset here because teaching someone how to love you is a skill that will deepen your bond."

Practical Steps to Guide Your Journey:

1. Use Encouraging Language: Frame your suggestions in ways that celebrate his efforts and guide him without feeling critical. Some examples:

   • "I’d love to try X, it really turns me on."
   • "It’s so sexy when you do Y."
   • "When you do Z, it feels amazing. Let’s do more of that."
   • "Try lifting off a bit—I want to feel all of you without getting crushed under your strength. We can work on our stamina together!"
   • "I’m curious about trying X after reading about it. Let’s explore it together."

2. Make it About Shared Exploration: If he’s uncomfortable talking about sex, make it feel like a team activity. For instance, suggest learning together:

   • "I’ve been thinking of brushing up on my ‘skills,’ maybe we could explore some fun sex ed resources together. I’d love for us to figure it out side by side."

3. Encourage Non-Verbal Feedback: Since talking isn’t his comfort zone, use your body language, touch, and authentic pleasure sounds to guide him. Show appreciation for his efforts in real-time—moans, gasps, and relaxing into his touch can be powerful reinforcements. Remember, no need to fake it, but don’t hold back genuine responses that signal he’s on the right track.

4. Reassure Him Often: His background might make him overly self-critical, so remind him regularly that intimacy is about learning together, not getting it "right" every time. Highlight the fun and connection over technical perfection.

5. Be Patient with the Process: Shifting from decades of sexual shame takes time, and there might be steps forward and backward. Celebrate the little wins and keep focusing on what feels good for both of you.

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection. By treating this journey as an exciting exploration of each other, you’re giving him the space to grow without shame. And in doing so, you’re building a deeper, more authentic intimacy together.