Talking to Kids About LGBT Issues Age-Appropriate & Rational Guide | Same-Sex Relationships, Gender Non-Conforming & Transgender People

Navigating the sensitive terrains of LGBT topics with children requires a delicate balance of truth, tact, and timing. From early childhood through adolescence, each developmental stage offers unique opportunities for parents to lay a groundwork of understanding, respect, and empathy concerning same-sex relationships, gender non-conformity, and transgender issues. This comprehensive guide provides age-appropriate strategies for discussing these matters, ensuring that discussions are both informative and appropriate, preparing children to embrace diversity in all its forms.

 

General Tips Across All Ages:

Language to Use: Always use respectful and positive language when discussing these topics. "Love," "respect," and "dignity" are key terms that affirm the importance of acceptance. Avoid poetry or metaphors. Kids will miss the lessons.

Setting Limits: Make it clear that within your private conversations everything is private. Don't shame them for being politically incorrect. Teach them the power of words and the importance of using them wisely. Also, help them work through troublesome ideas early.

Real-World Examples: Utilize daily experiences, media representations, or local events as teachable moments to naturally introduce these discussions.

 

 

Talking to Kids About Same-Sex Relationships

 The main thing kids should learn is that same gender love is equal to and opposite gender love.

 

Birth - 2:

• Infants and toddlers are too young for complex concepts but begin by instilling foundational principles like kindness and respect among diverse groups of people.

 

Ages 3-5:

• Kids will typically start asking questions. Only answer what's asked. They should lead their learning.
• What to Say: "Just like Mom and Dad love each other, some men love other men and some women love other women."
• Real World Learning: Point out a same-sex couple in a book or a show and mention, "They care about each other just like any other couple."
• What to do: Keep you kids around you. Lead by example. Much of the learning will be quiet and they will generally copy you, if they respect you. 100% of their media should be curated by parents. Encourage friendships with gender non-conforming kids. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

 

Ages 6-9:

• Kids may start being curious about the inner workings of love and relationships.
• What to Say: "People fall in love with different people. Sometimes girls love girls, and boys love boys. It’s important they are happy and treated with kindness."
• Real World Learning: If you see a same-sex couple, you might say, "Look, they are holding hands, they must really like each other!"
• What to do: Keep you kids around you. Lead by example. Much of the learning will be quiet and they will generally copy you, if they respect you. 100% of their media should be curated by parents. Encourage friendships with gender non-conforming kids. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

 

Ages 10-12:

• Kids will start experiencing romantic attraction to others and sexual arousal within themselves. Most children will be heterosexual adults. So, making sure they know they know these relationships are valid is really the only goal. All kids need to know that love and relationships are important.
• What to Say: "As you start to understand feelings of attraction, remember, some people find love with others of the same gender, and that's perfectly normal and okay."
• Real World Learning: Point to stories or examples from the media, like a celebrity or public figure who is openly in a same-sex relationship, to illustrate reality.
• What to do: Curate media that gives the lessons you want them to have. Focus on love and relationships vs sex. Keep books, movies, shows, and comics available for them to explore on their own. Take them to libraries and allow them to rent anything in the appropriate sections. Encourage friendships with gender non-conforming kids. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

 

Ages 13-15:

• At this point, if all things have been done correctly, you should have a child who pretty well knows where they sit in the world. We need to help them avoid peer pressures and continue developing safely.
• What to Say: "As you grow, you’ll see that love has many forms. Same-sex couples experience love, challenges, and joys just like heterosexual couples."
• Real World Learning: Encourage them to think critically about the representations of same-sex couples in media and literature. Discuss any relevant current events that highlight LGBT rights to provide a broader context. But encourage them to focus on their own life.
• What to do: Make sure they know you're a safe space to talk. Steer them gently where they need to go. Remind them of boundaries. Encourage them to remain true to the person they've always been - this is where experimentation tends to start. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

 

Ages 16-18:

• Your job should be about done.
• What to Say: "Everyone has the right to choose how they want to live. As long as their good members of society, we will respect their dignity."
• Real World Learning: Introduce them to documentaries, non-fiction books, and advocacy groups. Encourage volunteer work with LGBT organizations to gain firsthand understanding and contribute positively.
• What to do: Steer them gently. Make sure they know you're a safe space to talk. Remind them of boundaries.

 

Talking to Kids About Gender Non-Conformity and Transgender People

 The main things kids should learn is that there's many ways to be a woman or man. As long as they are happy and healthy, that's all that matters.

 

Birth-2:

• Infants and toddlers are too young for complex concepts but begin by instilling foundational principles like kindness and respect among diverse groups of people.

 

Ages 3-5:

• Kids are developing their gender identity now. They may also start to be curious about the differences between boy and girls. Prepare for questions.
• What to Say: "People wear different clothes and hairstyles to show if they're a boy or a girl—it helps people know how to treat them."
• Limits: Use simple language. Avoid over-complicating with terminology. Don't bring up changing genders yet. Don't suggest that everyone has to choose their gender. This is confusing for young minds.
• What to do: Keep your kids around you. Lead by example. Much of the learning will be quiet and they will generally copy you, if they respect you. 100% of their media should be curated by parents. Encourage friendships with gender non-conforming kids. Introduce people by their chosen name and pronouns without making it a big deal. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

 

Ages 6-9:

• Kids will know their gender by this point. They need encouragement to find exactly what kind of man or woman they want to be.
• What to Say: "Boys and girls are different but you can be yourself. You can wear what makes you comfortable. Let's play with style and help you find yours."
• Limits: Explain that it's important to call people by the name and pronouns they use as it shows respect.
• What to do: Keep your kids around you. Lead by example. Much of the learning will be quiet and they will generally copy you, if they respect you. 100% of their media should be curated by parents. Encourage friendships with gender non-conforming kids. Introduce people by their chosen name and pronouns without making it a big deal. Purposefully provide media that has many different versions of men and women. Kids need to see an example of who they are to be it. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

 

Ages 10-12:

• Kids will generally know their gender identity and generally where they sit in their world. Now they will explore outward more. Keep them thinking.
• What to Say: "Which characters are most like you? Do you relate to any of the opposite gender?"
• Real World Learning: If there are family members, family friends, or community members who are openly transgender, use these real-life examples to explain. Respect privacy and consent when sharing personal stories.
• What to do: Find them a real life role model. This will usually be a cousin, aunt, or family friend they can learn from. It likely won't be their parent. Let them pick their own clothes within boundaries you set. 100% of their media should be curated by parents. Encourage friendships with gender non-conforming kids. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

  

Ages 13-15:

• Kids are trying to live their ideal gender expression by this point.
• What to Say: "Trans people suffer from discomfort with their gender. To feel more comfortable, they wear different clothing, haircuts, and even sometimes get surgery so people see them how they want to be seen. Like how you wear [insert their gender affirming clothing]."
• Limits: Discuss the importance of privacy and consent in conversations involving someone’s gender identity, stressing the personal nature of this journey.
• What to do: Find them a real life role model. This will usually be a cousin, aunt/uncle, or family friend they can learn from. It likely won't be their parent. Let them pick their own clothes within boundaries you set. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

 

Ages 16-18:

• What to Say: "Transgender people suffer from a mental illness called gender dysphoria. It's a deep feeling of discomfort with one's gender and requires medical intervention to soothe. There's tons of other reasons why people might not "feel" like their gender but that's usually cause they're a unique version of their gender. Masculine women and feminine men have a place in this world that doesn't require a new gender. Gender is determined by whether you make sperm or have eggs. So, it's not actually possible to change genders but they can feel more at ease in life."
• Real World Learning: Encourage engagement with memoirs or speeches by elder transgender people.
• What to do: Find them a real life role model. This will usually be a cousin, aunt/uncle, or family friend they can learn from. It likely won't be their parent. Let them shop for their own clothes within boundaries you set. Encourage appropriate boundaries.

By weaving these discussions naturally into everyday life and emphasizing values of love and respect, this guide aims to cultivate a supportive, open dialogue that helps children navigate and embrace the diversity of human experiences.