Why Do You Keep Giving to People Who Don’t Give a Shit?

When Helping Turns Into Being Used

Earlier this year, I was helping my cousin de-hoard her house—for free. Not because she deserved my time or effort, but because her kids did. They deserved a better, cleaner place to live. Despite the fact that she'd never done a damn thing for me, we've only recently become acquainted, I showed up.

As I was moving a 50-gallon bin of useless clothing from her youngest son’s room to the basement, she started a fight with me—demanding I take the bin back. And that’s when it hit me. All my years of training and therapy as a recovering over-helper jumped to the front of my mind, along with a singular thought "oh, this bitch think I'm stupid. she thinks I'm boo boo the fool. Just standing here with my dunce cap and clown face."

Luckily I've been there so many times; I know exactly what to do! My solution? I told her to get her fat ass off the couch and do it her damn self since she had so many opinions on how things should go. I'm not no fucking maid. I certainly didn’t make this mess, and I wasn’t about to stress myself out cleaning it up. Because fuck her, that’s why. I grabbed my coat, Coach bag, and dignity as I swiftly walked out the door. 

I might have also yelled, "Clean up, you dizzy bitch!" as I left but since there's no video of the incident, you cant prove a thing. 

That was our first-ever disagreement and it will be our last—for life. I headed straight from her door to Rally's/Checker's for seasoned fries and a banana shake. As I dipped the fries into the cold, creamy dairy confection, I thought, "Who does this evil Oompa Loompa think she is?" Don’t know. Don't care. But I do know is this: yay, me!

I haven’t always been so swift with the cut-off. I used to hesitate, second-guess, let too much slide. Clearly not anymore!

 

Why Do We Keep Giving to People Who Don’t Deserve It?

I'm not the only who's been through stuff like that. It's one of the most reliable constants of human nature "no good deed goes unpunished." But here comes a point when you have to ask yourself—why am I putting in all this effort when the return is nothing but exhaustion? It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of over-giving, hoping that our kindness will be recognized, appreciated, or, at the very least, reciprocated. But what happens when it’s not? What happens when you realize you’re the only one carrying the weight of a relationship, while the other person just passively benefits?

Maybe you’ve been conditioned to think this is just how relationships work—that effort should be selfless, that giving should come without expectations. But here’s the hard truth: if your effort isn’t valued, it’s being wasted.

A lot of us learned to earn love, respect, or validation by anticipating people’s needs. We became the fixer, the peacemaker, the unpaid therapist—offering our energy and time as a down payment on security. But the problem? Not everyone values what we give. Some people don’t even notice it. And some actively resent it.

If you’re exhausted from carrying the weight of relationships that never give back, it’s time to stop. Not because you should stop caring—but because you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Why Are You Doing It? Really?

Growing up, the only time I was praised was when I showed smarts, politeness, or helpfulness. As I grew older, this became the way I made friends—not because I was fun to be around. Admittedly, on some level, I'm not. Autism and ADHD, plus a natural intensity, is a recipe for a personality not even my mother could love.

In my mid-twenties, I stopped doing shit I didn’t want to do and started doing more shit that I do. Now, in my late 30s, I’m pulling back even harder on offering help to the point where it must be reciprocated immediately. I can’t, under any circumstances, allow myself to be used or taken advantage of. My time is too important. I’ve got a heck of a lot less of it now than I did then, and it’s not like I’m brimming with friends after all my hard work.

In truth, I’ve dumped 99% of all people who’ve entered my life in the last decade. But we can talk about that in another blog.

I’d always intuitively thought that relationships should be more transactional, but common thought made that seem anti-social. Sure, not every moment should involve money, but each person should be giving and taking in equal measure—equitably based on what each friend is capable of. I never expect the amount of money I spend to match others, but they better put their time in to make up for that, or my wallet will close immediately.

Instead of letting multiple violations pile up and then blowing up, I find myself saying, "I don’t like that X, Y, or Z happened. Stop it." Or, more often, simply dipping out on people. People know the dirt they do. They might deny it with Shaggy-level conviction, but deep down, they know. And even if they don’t? You do. And that’s all that matters. If someone’s actions tell you they don’t care, believe them the first time. Stop waiting for confessions. Stop pretending they’re confused. They’re not. They just don’t care. Be the adult in the room. Don’t let their denial rewrite reality. If someone’s actions tell you they don’t care, believe them the first time. Folks know the dirt they do. By immediately responding with the removal of your presence and presents, you’re training the world—and yourself—on what you will and will not accept.

If you’re giving and giving with nothing in return, it’s worth questioning why.

• Are you trying to preemptively solve problems so people will love you more?

• Do you feel responsible for other people’s emotions, even when they don’t ask for help?

• Are you hoping that if you give enough, people will finally see your worth?

• Do you think your role in life is to make things easier for others, even at the expense of yourself?

• Are you simply lonely and giving effort to keep people around?

These patterns don’t come from nowhere. Most of us were conditioned to believe that our value is in what we can provide, not in who we are. But effort isn’t currency—and you can’t spend it where it’s not wanted.

Stop Investing in One-Sided Relationships.

Sometimes, the hardest part isn’t realizing you’re in a one-sided relationship—it’s deciding to leave. But leaving doesn’t always mean some grand, dramatic exit. It can be as simple as just... stopping. Stopping the calls. Stopping the check-ins. Stopping the effort. Because the truth is, when you stop giving, most people won’t even notice—they were never invested in you to begin with.

If this realization stings, good. Let it. And then do something about it. If you’re feeling stuck in a cycle of over-giving, it’s worth asking yourself: Do I need to leave? (If that question makes you nervous, you might want to read this).

For many people, asking for help isn’t even about improving their lives—it’s about making themselves feel important. They want to steal your attention and time, not to fix anything, but simply to prove that they can. If you find yourself surrounded by people who always need help but never give it, you need to leave.

You should be around people who give and want to give freely. People who invest in you as much as you invest in them. Relationships should be mutual, not manipulative.

It’s one thing to support someone who values you. It’s another to keep giving effort, care, and time to people who don’t see or respect it.

• If someone never checks in on you, why are you checking in on them?

• If you’re always the one holding space for their problems, who’s holding space for yours?

• If you feel resentful, is it because you expected something back—or because you were never appreciated in the first place?

Your Effort Should Be a Choice, Not an Obligation.

There’s nothing wrong with helping people. There’s nothing wrong with being the one who listens, supports, or cares deeply. But it has to be a choice—not a compulsion, a survival strategy, or a self-sacrificing habit that drains you.

Stop giving to people who don’t give a shit—about themselves, about you, or about anything beyond their own convenience. Some people don’t need saving; they need to sit in the consequences of their own choices. They’re not stuck because life is unfair. They’re stuck because they refuse to care. And you? You need to refuse to care, too. Leave them there. Walk away, and don’t look back.