Dating is an absolute clusterfuck of demoralizing, confusing frustrating experiences, but it doesn't have to be. With so much conflicting and unhelpful advice out there, it's no wonder so many people struggle to find happiness and fulfillment in their relationships. But what if I told you that there are simple and timeless truths that can guide you to success in dating? In this blog, I'll be sharing five top tips that will help you navigate the dating world with confidence and ease in 2023 and beyond.
THEY’RE MURDER HORNETS, NOT BUTTERFLIES. RUN!
We’re sold the idea that butterflies or fluttering in the tummy is a green flag for connection – that’s a lie. Let me be very clear, butterflies are a red flag. In fact, they’re not butterflies – they’re murder hornets of romanticized anxiety rushing to sting you in the face. Run!
In healthy situations, you should feel warm to, excited by, open to, drawn towards, at ease with, unburdened by, comfortable around, safe with, and trust in your partners. Slightly annoyed but curious and the desire to bully are also acceptable emotional situations for the more stoic folks. Yes, this includes casual situations. Anything else should be avoided like pack of ravenous murder hornets.
KNOW WHAT YOU WANT NOT WHO YOU WANT
Instead of getting distracted by emotion, really think about what kinda life you want. In simple terms, the questions you need to ask yourself are thus:
1. Do I want someone to come into my life and join me on my journeys? Is my life big enough to fit someone else? How much space should they realistically take up both physically and emotionally? How much disruption can I realistically handle? Am I strong enough to assert and maintain my boundaries?
2. Do I want to join someone on their adventures? Is my life small enough to fit inside someone else’s without disrupting the flow? Am I adaptable to the demands of someone else’s life? What do I offer that makes me worthy of taking up space in someone’s life? Can I respect other people’s boundaries? Can I truthfully accept the loss of leader status that comes with this choice?
3. Do I want to mutually leave reality for a journey through each other loins? Is this maintenance, fantasy fulfillment or a life together? Do I have enough good sense, communication skills, and self-respect to make this work?
4. Do I want a buddy, leader/guide, teammate, servant, pet, mating/homestead/traditional partner, object of worship, object of discrimination, sex toy, or what? What do I realistically have time and energy for?
5. DO I KNOW MY FUCKING ROLE??? Most relationship styles have rules, rights, and responsibilities already laid out. Even if I really want that role, do I know what it takes to make that work?
If you can honestly answer this quiz for yourself, you’ll be lightyears ahead of most other daters. Might be worthwhile to ask your dates these questions as well. If you find incompatibility here, these are wasps. Run!
OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE STANDARDS & DESIRES
Modern culture tells people to go find the ideal partner who will love us for who we are. I think that’s bullshit. Unless you’re naturally your preferred partner’s type of person, I think you should be putting forth an effort to become it or you don’t deserve them. You’re not entitled your perfect partner just because you exist. Your opinion of other’s desires shouldn’t be expressed or respected, even if you think it’s unjust, amoral, or cruel.
People are not evil for not wanting to date you. Even if it’s due to a factor like body type, race, how you dress, children, gender/sex, age, income, disability, religion, health or literally any other factor people choose – you’re just not compatible. Denying that fact might push away the feelings of inadequacy for the moment, but it won’t land you the partner you want. In this case, those feelings you’re running from are butterflies and you should let them land on your nose gently.
If the partners you want don’t want you, truthfully and with all the love in the world, you’re not living up to your full potential. Have self-confidence but don’t be delusional. This is an opportunity for growth or a reassessment of your goals. Meeting their standards gives you the courage to expect more from your partners. Stepping up to the challenge might get you what you want but it might also get you more.
GET TO THE DAMN POINT
Save everyone the pain of wasted time; Put what you want in your online profile vs describing yourself. You can’t sense chemistry via text; get to the in-person meet as soon as possible. The talking phase is stupid; It’s a waste of time to just endlessly give each other attention to temporarily boost your self-worth. Getting to know each other beyond the surface doesn’t happen on dates.
Once you’ve got a potential partner, start living the life you want to live as soon as humanly possible. If you don’t like the vibe, dip. No, this is not an excuse to get married and merge all your assets after 24 business days of knowing each other. But it does mean that life is short, and fortune favors the brave.
THE BOOTY BUFFET IS A MIRAGE
Once you have what you want, hold on to it. The biggest issue I see in modern dating is the illusion of choice. Yes, it is true that most people can simply order up a new emotional support human from anywhere in the world at any time to make our deeply crushing sense of inadequacy disappear. So why should any of us “settle,” be humble, date down, extend ourselves, communicate, allow ourselves to be impressed, or work at love if Ass-mazon is one click away? Because it’s a modern lie.
If you find a person is offering the kind of life/relationship you want, you should do what it takes to keep it. The perfect person doesn’t exist. Your soul mate will still cheat on you. Everybody is kinda boring in real life. As a proud slut, I can tell you sexual attraction is common and honestly less important to sexual satisfaction than you might think. Don’t let the hunt for greener grass leave you chewing turf. But also, don’t overlook the horde of tarantula wasps for the possibility of honey they don’t even make.