Show Me Love: The Importance of Transactional Relationships & Conditional Love

People love to pretend that the best relationships are selfless, unconditional, and full of boundless generosity. That real love asks for nothing in return. That friendship, romance, and family should be about giving, not expecting. Bullshit.

Every meaningful relationship is transactional. And that’s a good thing.

Every Relationship Has Terms—Even If You Pretend It Doesn’t.

You ever notice how the people who preach unconditional love the loudest are often the ones who expect to be given the most without ever giving back? They weaponize the idea of “pure love” to keep you over-giving, over-extending, and accepting crumbs. They make you feel guilty for expecting anything in return. They demand your energy while offering nothing but excuses. But ask yourself—who actually benefits from love without conditions?

Here’s the truth: unconditional love is a fairy tale. It only exists between people who will never truly have to test it—like a parent and an infant. The moment two people have independent desires, needs, and expectations, love becomes conditional—whether they admit it or not.

And that’s not a flaw. That’s healthy.

Transactional ≠ Selfish.

In many ways, running The Butters has taught me the importance of transactional relationships. I spent years writing a blog and making some money, but not enough to survive. When I made a product that improved your life in a practical way, I was almost immediately able to support myself—while still offering educational content, even more than before, because I finally had the time to do it. The same principle applies to relationships: when value is exchanged fairly, everyone benefits.

This mindset permeates every aspect of your life. Stop suffering with shit you hate or tolerating stuff just because. Because what? Why are you doing that?

In many ways, running The Butters has taught me the importance of transactional relationships. I spent years writing a blog and making some money, but not enough to survive. When I made a product that improved your life in a practical way, I was almost immediately able to support myself—while still offering educational content, even more than before, because I finally had the time to do it. The same principle applies to relationships: when value is exchanged fairly, everyone benefits.

When people hear the word transactional, they think of cold, soulless exchanges—like hiring an employee or negotiating a contract. But real transactional relationships aren’t about money. They’re about balance.

• Time for time. If I’m always the one reaching out, planning, and checking in, and you’re always just receiving, is that a relationship—or unpaid emotional labor?

• Energy for energy. If I support you when you’re down, but you disappear when I struggle, am I your friend—or just an emotional safety net?

• Effort for effort. If I invest in making our connection stronger but you never reciprocate, am I valued—or just convenient?

A transactional relationship means both people benefit. It means you’re not constantly draining yourself for someone who only takes.

Love Should Have Conditions—Or You’ll Get Used.

Conditional love doesn’t mean I’ll only love you if you’re perfect. It means I’ll only love you if you treat me with respect, consideration, and care.

• If you lie, manipulate, or betray me—I should stop loving you.

• If you refuse to show up for me in meaningful ways—I should stop investing in you.

• If you drain me without ever refilling—I should step back.

Love, friendship, and family should all have boundaries. You wouldn’t keep pouring water into a cup with a hole in the bottom. So why keep giving to people who never give back?

You Deserve Relationships That Give Back.

"Heartbreaks and promises, I've had more than my share. I'm tired of giving my love and getting nowhere."

Robin S. said it best in Show Me Love—and if you’re stuck in one-sided relationships, you already know the feeling.

Being in these shitty, selfish relationships can ruin your ability to sort out who's good and bad. If you're busy helping or overthinking about people who don't soothe, praise, support, or pay you back at all, you're bound to miss the good people who don’t always stick out as much as the bad. If you constantly find yourself exhausted by one-sided relationships, it’s time to ask: Why do I keep attracting them? Why do I keep giving to people who take without hesitation? If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve been trained to see dysfunction as normal. But it’s not. It’s just familiar. And that’s dangerous.

Being in these shitty, selfish relationships can ruin your ability to sort out who's good and bad. If you're busy helping or overthinking about people who don't soothe, praise, support, or pay you back at all, you're bound to miss the good people who don’t always stick out as much as the bad. If you constantly find yourself exhausted by one-sided relationships, it’s time to ask: Why do I keep attracting them? Why do I keep giving to people who take without hesitation? If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve been trained to see dysfunction as normal. But it’s not. It’s just familiar. And that’s dangerous.

I'm going to be open with you here because it doesn't feel vulnerable. (The Secret World of Male Emotions) I recently had what can most generously be described as an emotional breakdown—mourning the last decade lost in a dead-end relationship and the time spent recovering from it. Having reconnected with my mom and dad, I gave them both the opportunity to comfort me and invite me closer to them. My mom went straight to problem-solving, suggesting a practical place that "would be good for you." My father, on the other hand, said, "If you don’t come on down here and get all this love I got, boy, I swear."

Now I’m moving to South Carolina. This experience made me rethink who actually brings value into my life. It showed me that relationships aren’t just about longevity—they’re about reciprocity. Some people drain you. Some people uplift you. And the ones worth keeping? They’re the ones who show up. (Burn It Down and Begin Again)

Admittedly, I kinda knew how these conversations would go, but I just wanted the comfort of my mommy and daddy. Since deciding to move, I’ve given all my acquaintances the opportunity to prove they’re friends. The results have surprised me. Some people I’ve known the longest have disappointed me the most, while the newest people in my life have been the most helpful. I think there’s a lesson there: people want to be useful and wanted. One friend even told me that being asked for help made him feel more confident. (How You’re Making Yourself Lonely Without Even Realizing It)

If someone loves you, they’ll want to give to you as much as they receive.

• They’ll care about your happiness as much as their own.

• They’ll notice when you’re struggling and offer support.

• They’ll make sure the connection is mutual, not one-sided.

Expecting balance doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you self-respecting.

The next time someone tries to tell you that “true love asks for nothing in return,” ask them this: Nothing in life is truly free. So why should love be the exception?