*Transcript edited for clarity*

Let me tell you a story.

I turned on the camera and started going through the final checks in my head to record a video about motivation. And while I was doing those final checks, my brain got overwhelmed.

It was around four or five in the afternoon. I had cleaned up the whole area. I’d already been working. Suddenly my brain started telling me it would be really nice to stop working and go play PlayStation. Maybe open a fresh jar of Palm Grease. Maybe go play Cult of the Lamb.

That would have been amazing. But I knew I wouldn’t feel good if I did that.

Starting Isn’t My Problem

I’ve never really been a person who struggles to get started. I’ve also never really had a problem continuing. My problem has always been knowing how to end things.

That might sound like a strange place to start a story about motivation, but the truth is that starting and stopping require the same amount of energy and decision-making.

When I was seventeen, I moved to Arizona to attend culinary school. The plan was to finish that, come back for my internship, get a higher-paying job, save money on student loans, and then go back to school for journalism.

I did the first part.

Then I realized I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a writer professionally.

Am I a writer professionally now? Yes. But what I really wanted was something different. I wanted freedom. Movement. Control. Creativity. I wanted to teach people about sexual health, pleasure, and life. I wanted to communicate with people truthfully.

Even though I originally planned on journalism, I ended up studying psychology because, when I was a teenager, I decided sex must be extremely important to adults if everyone kept making such strange decisions about it. I figured I should understand it well enough to help people understand their own lives.

People were already coming to me for relationship advice as a teenager. And I liked that. I liked being a source of information. I liked inspiring people and helping them grow.

That became the baseline motivation for everything I’ve done in my adult life.

Daily Motivation Is Harder

Finding daily motivation is harder.

Some days I just want to lie in bed. And honestly, sometimes I do. I’m not a machine. I’m a person. I’m literally an artist.

But when I wake up and see new orders come in, I know people out there need me. Even something as simple as the newsletter, which doesn’t make much money, still matters to me. A lot of business people have told me I should put less time into writing blogs. I understand why they say that.

But I believe taking you along on this ride with me will matter long term.

A lot of people don’t realize it’s just me here.

People think the company is bigger because I present well. We’ve had help at times, but when something goes wrong, it’s me. If someone quits, it’s me. The business relies on me.

You rely on me.

And even on the days when I don’t feel like getting out of bed, my brain doesn’t say, “People are counting on you.” That’s not really how I think.

My brain says:

You have a duty.

The same way you would take care of a child or a pet, I feel an internal compass pushing me to get up and keep going. To answer questions. To think through ideas. To help people understand themselves and their lives.

The Butters is mine. So I make sure it presents well. Not just because of money, but because of integrity.

When Motivation Disappears

About fifteen years ago, I had my first real experience with depression.

Before that, I woke up every morning the same way: shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to work. Nothing glamorous, but steady.

Then one day I caught myself thinking: Why do I have to shower every day?

If you’ve struggled with mental illness, you already know where that question leads. Depression. 

Why do you shower every day? Because you have to. What else are you going to do? Die?

That moment stuck with me because it was the first time in my adult life I felt motivation disappear.

And that made me wonder something I had never asked before: What motivated me to stop?

For twenty-five years I had motivation. Then suddenly I didn’t. Why?

The answer, I later realized, was overwhelm.

I had just finished my psychology degree. I had already completed culinary school. I didn’t have a job. All I had was my blog at the time, LTASEX. I needed to figure out how I was going to make a life for myself.

In that moment, even something as simple as showering felt like too much.

But I kept going anyway. I kept writing. I kept recording videos. I kept building something instead of going back home and giving up.

Because the alternative would have felt worse.

There Is No Secret Formula

A lot of people think they’re missing some secret recipe for motivation that everyone else already figured out.

They aren’t.

After interacting with business owners and taking years of business classes, the biggest lesson I learned is simple:

Most people don’t do everything alone.

They have help.

There are no one-man armies.

That realization shaped how I think about work and growth. It’s part of why I’m willing to relocate and rebuild infrastructure when necessary. Not because it’s easy, but because I know what it takes to keep moving forward.

Sometimes motivation isn’t missing.

Sometimes support is missing.

Why I Keep Going

At the end of the day, I’m motivated because I believe I’m capable of more.

More than this year.
More than last year.
More than yesterday.

I have a strong sense that there are important things for me to do, and that if I follow my internal compass, things will work out.

Over the last eighteen years of blogging and ten years building The Butters, you’ve seen me make mistakes. You’ve seen me change direction. But you’ve also seen me keep going.

That’s not accidental.

It feels like there’s only one shot at this life.

So I keep moving.

The Messy Middle

Most of us are in the messy middle.

I’m thirty-eight. Many of you reading this are around the same age. We’re all asking the same question:

• Is it worth it to keep going in this direction?
• Is it worth continuing to put good energy into the world?
• If you don’t have a reason right now, I’ll give you one:
• It would make me happy if you kept going.

One day I’m going to write a book about what I’ve learned. When that happens, I want to meet people who were here during the quiet years. People who listened when I was still just sitting in my house talking to a camera.

People who saw something in me and something in themselves.

Why This Matters To Me

More than anything, I’m still that teenager who thought:

I wish people didn’t have to live like this.
I wish people knew they had more options.

It still hits me when I see kids making choices that limit their futures. It still hits me when adults tell me they waited too long or never had a reason to try.

That’s part of why I keep doing this.

Even if it sounds cheesy.

Even if it sounds grandiose.

I believe I can make a difference in the world.

No Shame In Earnestness

This series of blogs isn’t the most marketable thing I could be doing.

But for my soul, for my motivation, for a reason to get up every morning and keep trying even when things are hard, I’m not sure there’s anything better.

So I’m not ashamed of my simplicity.
I’m not ashamed of my earnestness.
I’m not ashamed of caring.

And I’m grateful you’re willing to spend time here with me.

Look Inside Your Own Life

If you’re trying to find motivation, look inside your own life.

• Do you have kids?
• Family?
• Community?
• The block?
• Former teachers?
• Who's looking to you?

Every time I spend time with my nieces and nephews, I want them to see what I saw growing up. I want them to know they have options.

In a lot of ways, that’s what I’m trying to do here with you too.

One Last Thing

I’ve come a long way.

And that’s why I don’t feel inferior anymore.

Because I’m greater than the person I was yesterday.